The sky above us is overcast, but the air is mild. I like this state, this diffuse light that does not dazzle but is not gloomy either. It feels like an in-between world, a place between day and night, between light and shadow. Maybe that's why I'm so contemplative today. Or maybe it's just because my thoughts never stand still.
Sophia is walking next to me. We are moving at the same pace, as if we have unconsciously aligned ourselves with each other. It is always a pleasure when we are out and about together and can understand each other in this way without needing words. We don't need words to know that we understand each other. We have actually known each other for a very long time, but we have never really engaged with each other in depth. Sophia is an exceptionally intelligent and attractive young woman. I am always surprised by how special she is. Sometimes I think she's an angel – to me.
‘Where are we going?’ she asks, looking at me sideways.
I shrug. “Doesn't matter. The main thing is that you don't lose yourself again.’
She laughs. ”Oh come on, it was just that one time!’
I grin. ‘Yeah, but what a time! We just wanted to go for a little walk and ended up in a damn bramble bush. I swear the forest was conspiring against us.’
She laughs even louder. ’And you were such a big help! Instead of reading a map or doing something useful, you just started arguing with the bushes.’
I raise my hands. ‘Of course, what else could I have done? If you're lost, the first thing you need to do is negotiate with nature. Maybe one of the trees would have been kind enough to point me in the right direction.’
Sophia rolls her eyes. ’Yeah, right. The talking tree next door.’
I just grin. That's the beauty of her – she understands my sense of humour, even when it's completely absurd. We don't always agree, but we respect each other and each other's opinions. Sometimes we realise that our views are very similar, but each of us formulates them in our own way. What seems completely different at first glance is often the same – only expressed in different words. Well, sometimes we also have very different opinions – and that's a good thing!
We walk on until the path forks. I stop and look at her. ‘Left or right?’
She frowns as if making a philosophical decision. “Hmm. Left feels right today.’
‘Why?’
‘I don't know, instinct?’
I nod. ”All right. But if we end up in a bramble bush again, it's your fault.’
She laughs and nudges me lightly with her shoulder. ‘Deal.’
We walk in silence for a while, side by side. I like this silence between us. It's not an uncomfortable silence, not a forced one. It's one of those rare pauses in life when you can just be.
But eventually the thoughts come. And then the words come.
‘Sophia... I'm scared.’
She remains calm. I admire that about her – she never reacts hastily, never asks rash questions. She gives me the time I need.
‘What exactly?’ she finally asks, gently but firmly.
I take a deep breath. ’Not of dying itself. Not of the moment. I'm afraid of what comes after. Of the silence. Of simply being... gone.’
She looks at me thoughtfully. Then she asks, ‘And what does “gone” mean to you?’
I hesitate. ’I see my new planet in front of me. A place where there is no time. No beginning, no end. I am there, but I can no longer touch my family. I can't help them when they need me. I'm just... an observer. And I don't know if I can live with that – or die.’
Sophia pauses. I turn to her, and there is that deep understanding in her eyes that makes her so unique.
‘Maybe you're not as far away as you think,’ she says softly.
I frown. ’What do you mean?’
She takes a step closer. ‘Do you believe that love is tied to a body? That it ceases to exist just because you're no longer physically here?’
I don't know what to say to that.
‘You've given your love to your children and your grandson. And if we look closely, there's also your stepdaughter,’ she continues. ‘Every hug, every smile, every good word – all that remains. It is in you and in your family. In the way they speak, how they laugh, how they think. Your family, your flock, they are not just one person, they accept you and your feelings for you – you will always be a part. You are a part of them.’
I lower my gaze. ‘And what if that's not enough?’
She puts her hand on my arm. “Then you just have to trust me.’
I swallow. ”I do.’
‘Good,’ she says, smiling. ‘Then let's keep going.’
We start moving again. I don't necessarily feel good, but a little lighter. And that's enough for today.
After a few minutes, Sophia breaks the silence with a completely different topic.
‘Remember when you wanted to prove to me that you can cook?’
I sigh. ‘Do we really have to talk about this?’
She laughs. “Of course! I remember exactly: ”Sophia, I'm a master in the kitchen!’ – and then you managed to burn cooked pasta.’
I raise my hands. ‘Hey, I only looked away for a second!’
‘Yes, because you gave me some kind of highly scientific lecture about the perfect bite firmness of noodles!’
‘This is important knowledge!’ I say seriously. ‘You said you wanted a man who can cook well someday. I wanted to qualify!’
She grins. ‘Look, I'm not saying you failed... but to be honest, I was a little worried about my cooking skills afterwards.’
I shake my head as she laughs.
That's what makes Sophia so special to me. She catches me when I fall. She gives me support when I falter. But she also gives me my life back when I get too lost in my fears.
She is my closest confidante. The most important woman in my life. My angel on earth.
We continue on our way. The sky remains grey, but that's fine. As long as she walks beside me, there is always light.